The Calvinist Dictionary (Satire)
A dictionary to help Arminians better understand Calvinist terminology.
(Don't take this too seriously, this is meant in good fun)
All: The elect
Altar Call: An insult to God
Arminianism: Man centered theology
Assurance: hoping that you're elect
Augustine: The first church father.
Calvinism: The gospel
Call (effectual): to be irresistibly dragged
Call (general): God's justification to condemn the reprobate.
Catholicism: What Arminianism leads to.
Compatiblism: We are free to do whatever the Potter decrees us to do.
Contradiction: a mystery
Doctrines of Grace: Term that helps illustrate how God has given us Calvinists superior insight. Usage example: "I was an Arminian before being illuminated by the Doctrines of Grace."
To Draw: To drag
Easy believism: The false idea that you can believe in Jesus Christ and be saved. Can a rotten corpse believe? Nope, neither can you.
Eisegesis: Any Arminian interpretation of a difficult passage
Emergent: Synonymous with "heretic", unless your name happens to be Mark Driscoll.
Esau: Someone God hated for no good reason.
Everyone: The elect alone.
Exegesis: Any interpretation by James White, after all he's a Greek scholar.
faith (1): Something that the elect are zapped with after regeneration.
faith (2): A work that gives pride to Arminians.
Fatalism: Nothing to see here, move along.
Faux Pas: Coming to church with a Bible translation other than the ESV.
To Foreknow: To decree or to love, absolutely nothing to do with knowing before.
Frankenstein: Cool story about a dead monster that got zapped with lightning and then became alive. Great parallel to the way we are regenerated.
Free Will: Something that can't exist because it would make God helpless if true. Alternatively, to freely participate in one's fate.
Glory: Praise we give to God for anything wicked that has ever happened (except for the birth of Charles Finney).
God's secret will: To save a few and reprobate the rest (secret to Arminians but not to us)
God's revealed will: a mystery
Gospel of John: anything by John Piper
Hebrews: Skip this book and read the Gospel of John instead.
Hyper-Calvinists: Calvinists who care more about consistency than looking good.
Infralapsarianism: See "Four Point Calvinist".
Infant damnation: Something that brings God glory.
James: Book that Luther wanted thrown out of the canon.
Jesus Loves Me, This I Know: Misleading children's song.
Jesus Loves the Little Children: Another terrible song, obviously written by someone who didn't take the time to do a proper exegesis of scripture.
John 3:16: Enigmatic verse. One must be a scholar to properly understand this passage. James White's unbiased insights are recommended.
Kosmos: Greek word that means "elect".
The Living Bible: I hope you're joking.
Missions: A complete waste of time, see "altar call" for more info.
Mystery: The way God decrees sin but is not responsible for it.
NIV: Word for thought translation is heresy.
Paul: Author of Romans 9
Pelagian: Name to call Arminians, extra points if they don't know what it means.
Polemic Atheist: Another name to call Arminians and a good diversionary tactic when appeals to John Owen don't work.
Preaching the Gospel: Something God commands, but the reason why is a mystery.
Pride: Something that works-based Arminians have in abundance, but we Calvinists don't after being chosen by God.
Regeneration: See "Frankenstein".
Reprobate: Those whom God justly damns to maximize His glory.
Rick Warren: worthless author, read something by John Gill instead.
The Road to Rome: Where synergism always leads to.
Robot: Don't say that word!
Servetus: A heretic who got what he deserved.
Shipwreck: Misleading term, because the "ship" wasn't really floating in the first place.
Sovereignty: meticulous micromanagement
Supralapsarianism: God orchestrated the fall for His glory, the central truth of scripture.
Wesley, John: A false apostle of free will
Whitefield, George: Wesley's superior
Whosoever: The elect
World: The elect